With the smell of frying plantain drifting over the rooftops and a neighbour’s radio playing highlife, Tunde stood in his sitting room holding a gift bag. Inside was a gold-plated wristwatch, the third expensive present in three months. He had already posted a long, flowery tribute to his wife Bisi online that morning, and the likes were rolling in. Yet when she came in from the market and said, “Thank you, my dear,” her smile arrived a few seconds after her eyes had moved away. Tunde felt a small, puzzling chill, the kind you get when a fan stops turning and you only then notice the silence.
Rewind eight years, to a rainy evening in the same house, and you would have found a different Tunde. He was broke, newly married, and sitting on a plastic stool beside Bisi while she described a dispute at her tailoring shop. He had no gift and no clever words, only his full attention, and she talked until the rain stopped. Somewhere between that stool and that wristwatch, Tunde had learned that love was something you showed, a thing with receipts and captions. He had forgotten that it was also something you simply did, quietly, with your whole face turned toward another person.
Bisi, back in Ibadan, found hers in a small women’s savings group where an older trader named Mama Ife listened to her without checking a screen. Tunde noticed Bisi’s laughter now lived elsewhere, and he did what wise men and women do. He sat down beside her one evening, set the phone face down, and said, “I think I have been showing you love but forgetting to give it. Will you tell me about your day?” That was the beginning of his return.
Whether you are married or still hoping, here are 14 things worth knowing.
1. Performance and presence are two different currencies
Performance is designed for an audience, even when the audience is only one person, while presence is designed for the relationship itself. A gift, a post, or a grand speech can be lovely, but it spends the same coin whether or not you are emotionally there. Presence costs something harder to give: your undivided attention, your patience, and your willingness to be ordinary together. Your partner can usually tell which coin you are paying with. Ask yourself tonight whether your last loving gesture came from the heart or from a sense of duty to be seen as loving.
2. Hearts quietly travel toward sincerity
Nobody wakes up planning to drift from a marriage. What usually happens is that a heart, hungry for real attention, begins resting wherever it receives it, and that place might be a friend, a colleague, a faith community, a hobby, or a trusted listener. Bisi found hers in a savings group, and Abena in a gentle midwife. None of these are villains. They are simply proof that sincerity is magnetic. If your partner is turning toward others for warmth, treat it as information about what is missing, not as a charge against anyone.
3. Attention is the most visible form of love
Think about how a cup of hot pepper soup feels on a rainy evening: it does not announce itself; it just warms you from inside. Attention works the same way. Put your phone away when your partner is speaking, look at their face, and let a pause stay a pause. These tiny acts tell a person, “You are the most important thing in this room.” Many partners would exchange a closet of gifts for ten minutes of being fully heard, because attention cannot be faked for long.
4. Social media love is a stage, not a home
There is nothing wrong with celebrating your partner publicly, and many of us do so with real affection. The trouble starts when the public tribute is louder than the private tenderness. Likes and applause are pleasant, but nobody can lean on a comment section when they are tired or frightened. Ask whether your partner would recognise the person in your posts as the person who sits across from them at dinner. If the gap is wide, spend your next hour closing it with a real, unrecorded moment.
5. Gifts are punctuation, not the sentence
A thoughtful gift can say, “I was thinking of you,” and that is beautiful. But when gifts replace conversation, they become expensive punctuation with no sentence in front of them. Tunde’s wristwatch was well chosen and generously bought, yet it arrived into a silence it could not fill. Consider giving a gift only after you have spent real time listening, so that the present reflects something you learned about your partner. Better still, occasionally give a gift that costs nothing, such as an afternoon, a walk, or a patient question about their dreams.
6. Ask better questions than “How was your day?”
That question, asked while scrolling, produces the answer “Fine,” and both of you go to bed unchanged. Try asking about something specific: “Who made you laugh today?” or “What was the heaviest part of your day?” Specific questions tell your partner you have been thinking about their actual life. Then comes the harder part, which is staying quiet long enough to hear the answer. Do not rush to fix, advise, or correct. Let your partner finish, and say back what you heard, because being understood is a form of being loved.
7. Learn the language your partner actually speaks
Some people feel loved through words, others through help with chores, some through shared quiet, and others through small acts of service. In many of our homes, love is often shown through food, errands, and provision, which are beautiful languages, yet they are not everyone’s mother tongue. A wife who is craving conversation may politely accept a gift while her heart goes unspoken to. Notice what lights your partner up and what makes them go flat. Then practise speaking that language even when it feels unnatural, because awkward sincerity beats fluent performance every single time.
8. Provision is love, but provision alone is not intimacy
Many husbands and wives in our communities work tirelessly to provide, and that deserves honour. School fees, rent, and food are acts of devotion, and nobody should be shamed for carrying them. Still, a heart can be well fed and yet quietly starving. Provision answers the question “Are we safe?” while intimacy answers “Am I known?” Both questions matter. If you are exhausted from providing, say so gently, and if you are the one receiving provision, say thank you and also ask for closeness without guilt.
9. Listen for the sentences underneath the sentences
When your partner says, “You are always busy,” they may be saying, “I miss you.” When they say, “It’s fine,” they may be saying, “I wish you had noticed.” Learn to listen for the feeling beneath the words, the way a good farmer listens to the soil rather than just the weather report. This takes humility, because you must set aside your defence and get curious. A simple, warm reply such as “It sounds like you have been missing me. Tell me more” can open a door that months of gifts never reached.
10. Vulnerability is more attractive than perfection
Performed love tends to be polished, with no hesitation, no weakness, and no uncertainty. But a partner cannot rest in a person who never shows a crack. Telling your partner, “I am tired and a bit afraid about money,” or “I do not always know how to say what I feel,” invites them into the real you. Many people discover that their partner’s tenderness grows when they stop managing their image. You do not have to confess everything at once. Begin with one honest sentence a day, and watch what it does.
11. Single readers, practise sincerity before you need it
If you are single, this matters even more than it may seem. The habits you build now will follow you into any relationship, so practise being truthful in small things: saying when you are hurt, when you are uncertain, and when you simply do not know. Notice whether you are impressing someone or knowing them. A courtship built on performance often ends with two tired actors, whereas one built on honesty gives you a real person to meet. Choose the quieter, truer path, even if it is slower.
12. Repair is welcome at any stage of the story
If you have recognised yourself in Tunde, please do not sink into shame, because shame makes people hide, and hiding is the opposite of what repair needs. Marriages and partnerships are not ruined by one season of performing; they are often rescued by one honest sentence. Say, “I have been showing you love without giving it, and I want to learn.” Then follow your words with small, repeated actions. Repair is rarely dramatic. It is a thousand ordinary evenings of being present, one after another, until trust quietly rebuilds.
13. Protect your emotional home from outside winds
Every partner needs friends, mentors, and communities, and these are healthy gifts. Yet when your partner’s best conversations all happen outside your home, take it as a gentle alarm and not an accusation. Make your house a place where feelings are welcome: switch off the television at supper, keep a regular time for talking, and let silence be comfortable. Think of your home as a lamp in a dark street. People walk toward light, and if your lamp is bright with sincerity, your partner will not need to search elsewhere for warmth.
14. Choose the genuine lover you can be today
At the end of all reflection, the invitation is simple: become, right now, the most sincere version of the lover you are able to be. You do not need a script, a budget, or an audience. You need a quiet moment, a turned-off phone, and the courage to say, “I am here, and I am listening.” Genuine love is not flashy, but it is magnetic, and it makes a home feel like rest. Whether you are married or waiting, let your love be felt first and seen second.
Comments (0)
Please sign in to join the conversation.
Loading comments...