Why You Should Let Go Of The "Should I Do More?" Trap

Oh, that familiar tug in the chest the one that whispers, "Am I doing enough?" It hits when you wave goodbye at school drop-off, wondering if you should have packed a fancier lunch, or when you finally sit down after bedtime, replaying the day and thinking, "I should have played more, listened better, been there extra."

Parent guilt is real, raw, and relentless. It stems from love, but it can steal your joy and leave you exhausted, caught between holding on tight and learning to let go. As a parent myself, I've felt it deeply: the fear that stepping back means failing them, or that pushing harder will somehow make everything perfect. But here's the gentle truth balance isn't about doing it all; it's about doing what truly matters, with grace for yourself.

Parent guilt often flares up in those "should I do more?" moments. Maybe your child struggles with homework, and you debate jumping in to help versus letting them figure it out. Or perhaps they're facing a playground spat, and you wonder if calling the other parent is overstepping or necessary.

This internal battle comes from society's highlight reel social media showing "super parents" with endless crafts, organic meals, and quality time galore making us feel like we're falling short. In busy places like Lagos, where life moves fast with traffic, work demands, and extended family expectations, the pressure multiplies. We want to shield our kids from every bump, but overdoing it can unintentionally rob them of growth, independence, and the chance to build resilience.

The key is recognizing when "doing more" helps and when it's time to let go. Letting go doesn't mean abandoning them; it's trusting their ability to navigate life with your support as a safety net. For instance, if your toddler insists on dressing themselves (even if it means mismatched socks), resist the urge to fix it. That small act teaches confidence and decision-making. For older kids, letting them handle a forgotten assignment's consequences (like a lower grade) shows natural accountability, far better than swooping in every time. Research from child psychologists like Dr. Laura Markham echoes this: over-parenting can lead to anxious, dependent kids, while balanced involvement fosters secure, capable ones.

So, how do we create that balance amid the guilt? Start with self-compassion. Acknowledge the feeling without judgment: "I'm feeling guilty because I care, and that's okay." Journal it out write three things you did well today as a parent, no matter how small, like sharing a laugh over breakfast or hugging them goodbye. This shifts focus from "not enough" to "enough in the moment."

Next, set intentional boundaries. Decide on your non-negotiables: daily connection time, like 10 minutes of undivided attention after school, without phones or distractions. For the rest, ask yourself: "Does this build their skills or just ease my worry?" If it's the latter, practice letting go. One practical tool is the "pause and reflect" method when guilt surges, take three deep breaths and visualize the long-term: "Will this help them become independent, kind adults?" If not, release it.

Involve your family too. Talk openly with your partner or support network about sharing loads, so you're not carrying the "should" alone. And teach kids age-appropriate responsibility: a 5-year-old can pack their bag, a teen can manage their schedule. This lightens your mental load and empowers them.

Finally, remember balance includes you. Carve out self-care a quiet walk, a favorite tea, or time with friends because a rested parent is a present one. Guilt may never vanish entirely, but by choosing mindful actions over endless "should's," you model healthy living for your children. They don't need perfect parents; they need real ones who show up with love, let them grow, and forgive themselves along the way.