Having children is one of life's greatest joys, but it can also change a marriage in big ways. Suddenly, days are filled with nappies, school runs, feeding times, and endless tiredness. The romance that once came easily from long chats, spontaneous hugs and date nights often gets pushed to the back.
In busy places like Lagos, where traffic, work, and family duties pile up, many couples feel like strangers sharing a home. Yet, love doesn't have to fade. With small, intentional steps, you can keep the spark alive and even make your relationship stronger than before kids arrived.
Why It's Tough After Kids
Babies and young children demand so much attention. Nights are broken by cries, days by constant needs. Exhaustion sets in, and small things like resentment over who does more housework can build up.
Many couples live with extended family or face financial pressures, adding extra stress. Social media shows "perfect" couples, making it feel like you're failing if romance isn't constant.
However, research from experts like those at the Gottman Institute shows that strong marriages after kids come from friendship, respect, and effort. Happy couples scan for things to appreciate, not criticise. They share loads fairly and make time for each other. The good news? You don't need grand gestures. Small daily acts build lasting love.
Make Time for Each Other, Even If It's Short
One of the biggest tips from couples who stay close is to protect "us time". It doesn't have to be fancy.
Start with daily check-ins. Send a quick text during the day: "Thinking of you" or share a funny photo from work. In Lagos traffic, a simple "I love you" message can brighten a tough commute. At night, after the kids sleep, put phones away for 20-30 minutes. Sit together, talk about your day, or just cuddle. No TV, no scrolling, just you two.
Plan regular date nights. Once a week or fortnight works wonders. It could be dinner at a local spot, a walk, or even an at-home date with favourite food and a film after bedtime. If childcare is hard, swap with friends or family. Many mums' groups can even help to arrange sitters. The key is consistency, treat it like an important meeting.
Give each other alone time, too. One partner takes the kids out so the other can rest or do something fun. This recharges you both and makes you miss each other a bit, which sparks romance.
Share the Load Fairly
Nothing kills romance faster than feeling like one person does everything. Talk openly about chores and parenting duties. Make a simple list. Who handles school drop-offs, who cooks evenings, who does baths? Adjust as needed because life changes.
In many homes, mums carry more, but when dads step up to cook jollof rice or help with homework, mums feel supported and appreciated. This fairness reduces arguments and leaves energy for love. Say thank you often, "Thanks for handling bedtime, it meant a lot." Gratitude builds fondness.
Bring Back Small Gestures of Love
Remember how you flirted before kids? Do it again! A quick kiss goodbye, holding hands in the market, a surprise treat like her favourite chin chin or his preferred drink. Leave notes: "You're an amazing mum and I love you." These tiny things remind you you're partners, not just co-parents.
Learn each other's love languages, whether it is words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch. If your partner feels loved through help around the house, do the dishes without being asked. If touch matters, hug more. Small efforts show "I still choose you."
Communicate Well and Often
Talk honestly but kindly. Say how you feel without blame, "I miss our alone time, can we plan something?" instead of "You never make time for me." Listen without interrupting. If arguments happen, repair quickly by apologising, hugging, and move on.
Be open about intimacy too. After kids, bodies and energy change, especially for mums post-birth. Talk without pressure. Low-key closeness, like massages or cuddling, can rebuild connection before full intimacy returns. Patience helps.
Prioritise Self-Care and Fun
You can't pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself. You can exercise, rest, or try new hobbies. A happier you brings more to the relationship. Do things together that aren't kid-focused like dancing to Afrobeat in the living room, cooking a new recipe, laughing at old photos.
Travel without kids sometimes, even a weekend away. It reminds you why you fell in love. Even the shortest of trips can refresh you.
Involve Your Culture and Faith
Many couples draw strength from traditions. Pray together if faith is important. Share family stories or attend church/mosque as a couple.
Proverbs like "A happy home makes happy children" remind you of priorities. Celebrate anniversaries or small wins with special meals.
Even experts agree that couples who prioritise their relationship raise secure, happy children who see love modelled.
Tiredness is real, so start tiny.
Money tight? Dates at home or parks work.
Kids interrupt? Laugh it off and try again.
If things feel stuck, seek help from counsellors or groups for support.
In the End?
Keeping love alive benefits everyone. Strong parents mean calmer homes, better role models for kids. You'll feel supported, desired, and joyful again.
Kids change marriage, but they don't have to end romance. With intention, you can keep love strong.
Begin today by sending that text, planning that date, and saying thank you. Your relationship and your family will thank you.
Comments (0)
Please sign in to join the conversation.
Loading comments...