Follow These Steps To Set Boundaries For Your Extended Family

In our Nigerian culture, your phone lights up at dawn with Aunty's call wondering why the children aren't fluent in Yoruba yet. Uncle pulls up to your gate uninvited for what he calls "a quick gist" that drags on for hours. Mummy-in-law rings every evening to gently (or not so gently) remind you how she used to prepare "proper" egusi for her son. It's all done in love, rooted in tradition, and the strong belief that "family is everything." Yet, it can quietly turn your own home into a place of constant pressure. Leaving your marriage stretched thin, and stealing the peace you both deserve. The encouraging truth is this: you can cherish and honour your extended family with genuine warmth while still protecting the sacred space of your marriage and immediate home. Setting boundaries does not equal disrespect or copying foreign ways. It's actually wise and biblical. Genesis 2:24 makes it plain: a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. That "leaving" isn't abandonment; it's establishing healthy priority for the new family unit God has formed, while continuing to show respect and care to parents and relatives. In this Year of Families and Social Development, learning to create safe, peaceful boundaries is one of the most powerful ways to strengthen families from the inside out. Here are some gentle, practical ways you can navigate this right without causing fights, carrying heavy guilt, or damaging relationships. 1. Start with Your Spouse – Get on the Same Page First Sit down together (maybe over evening garri and groundnut) and pray: "Lord, help us see clearly what we need for peace." Talk openly: What feels overwhelming? Constant drop-ins? Money requests? Parenting opinions? Decide together what boundaries feel right. Being united means no one gets blamed it's "us deciding as a team." 2. Lead with Gratitude and Soft Words When it's time to speak, start with appreciation: "We love you so much and value all the ways you've supported us." Then gently state the need: "We've found that visits work best when we plan ahead. So, can you call or text first to make sure we're home and ready to receive visitors?" Use "we" a lot it keeps it about the couple. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that a gentle answer turns away wrath; meaning your tone is everything. 3. Be Specific and Firm, but Kind Vague hints don't work in our culture. Say exactly what helps: "We appreciate your advice, but we've decided to handle school choices this way for now." Or for money: "We're working on our budget and can't help this month, but we're praying God provides for everyone." If they push back, repeat calmly: "We hear you, and we love you, but this is what works for our home." No need to argue just restate lovingly. 4. Follow Through with Grace If they ignore the boundary (e.g., still drop by unannounced), respond kindly but consistently: "We're not available right now, but let's plan for Saturday, does that work?" Lock the gate if needed, or don't answer the door. At first, it may feel difficut and guilt may hit hard but with consistency, love prevails, bringing long-term harmony. Most families adjust when they see you're serious yet warm. 5. Keep the Heart Connected Through Prayer and Small Gestures Pray daily for the needs, health and provision of your extended family. This can help ease the pressure. Some couples even start short weekly prayer calls with in-laws (5-10 minutes). This shifts things from demands to shared faith. Also, plan positive moments on your terms like inviting them for a meal once a month or sending small gifts. It reminds everyone that the love hasn't gone anywhere. 6. Give Yourself Grace – It's Okay to Feel Guilty at First Many of us were raised to say "yes" to everything from elders. Feeling bad doesn't mean you're wrong it means you're human. Remind yourself: Protecting your marriage honors God. Your children learn healthy relationships by watching you balance love and boundaries. Your home should be a sanctuary, not a constant open house. Boundaries create space for deeper love, less resentment, and more joy. What's one boundary you've set or wish you did with your extended family? Share them with us in the comments since we're all figuring this out together.