With the advent of computer and other computerized gadgets in Nigerian banks today, we now get our cash faster and swifter thereby making banking in Nigeria more convenient. But it will be worthy of your laugh to note that Nigeria banks can really be a place to get humour and a license to slap someone.
# 8 The Pen Collectors
They are seldom gentlemen, always in a hurry whenever they visit the bank. You often see them borrow a pen from a customer, write with it and in most cases when they are through, they start looking for the one who borrowed them the pen and if unable to identify the owner, pen ownership automatically transfers to them. For crying out loud, how much is #20 that you can’t have a personal pen of yours. Please, we advise you watch out for these set of people.
#7 The wifi searchers.
These set of folks are always visiting the banking hall for free wifi connections. You see them sit down quietly like a responsible dude at one edge of the lobby in the banking hall. They are often those guys who have good command of the English language so that whenever any bank official questions why they are waiting, they can just frame up some lie, well carved in English language with good grammatical usage. Study them well na lie dem dey lie, ordinary #150 no dey their pocket wey dem fit take browse for cybercafé. Yahoo boy no laptop fit pay Olamide but in your case, guy look for job!
#6 The first time cocky ATM users
Happily you see them walk poised to the ATM as if they were going to restore the functionality of the machine. They are always confident as if they’ve been using it since the era of Noah. They slot in the card and spend up to a month on the machine simply because they want to withdraw a thousand and two hundred Naira. Then instead of blaming their inability to use the machine, you hear them say; “I don’t even know why this machine is not dispensing. Haha, the machine that someone withdrew from, some minutes ago and you knew it yourself. So when next you visit your bank, kindly tell the bank manager to paste a copy of the ATM operator’s manual on the body of the machine to save you from these time-waters the next time you have an emergency at the ATM because these set of people seem to have boils in their mouths and brains which may prevent them from talking, so please you can be the Good Samaritan.
#5 The “I dey your back” folks
These set of people can really be funny. They are the type that will never queue up while we are wasting our precious time on the queue for hours. You see them come into the banking hall, tap you hurriedly at the back as if they are calling your attention to an impending doom and be like; “bros abeg I dey your back” and then they leave probably for the customer care unit. Later on you see up to like six hefty guys fighting over a small space at someone’s back, space which can’t build a mini toilet. Umh! Shit happens.
#4 The No protocol team
Umm, when you see these set of folks I beg fear small ooh. It is either they are top politician or account holder of up to a hundred million naira or even more. They are the type that will never wait to queue like you guys did but will instead walk straight from the entrance down to the cashier of their choice as if they’ve been called to come and process their transaction. And one funny thing is that the cashier seeing this will never send them back to the queue. Why will she or he even do that in the first place, when the customer could be friends with the bank’s chairman. The cashier can talk when he/ she has secured a job at the refinery? Mehn, these set of folks can really be provoking. They make you wanna grab a AK 47 and start shooting somebody!
#3 The bank door ‘Rejectees’
By their fruit you shall know them. These set of people are always assisted to open the bank’s security door. They are often not a first timer but, they never learn to keep their jewelries of gold at home. They prefer bringing them all to the bank for the sole purpose of stressing the bank’s door and showing off their earthly possession to mankind. If you see any of them when next you’re in your bank, shoot them and jump queue, or just aim a freaking giant magnet at them……
#2 The slip wasters
about a fortnight ago we still saw one, this time, a pretty looking lady probably in her early thirties, holding a blackberry touch and a Samsung tab. All because she wants to withdraw just a thousand and five hundred naira, she already wasted six withdrawal slip. We tried checking the kind of account she was operating on the wasted slip and behold, to our greatest surprise, it was even a student account. We asked ourselves, which account does she want the manager to write those ones she wasted? Well we think if the bank’s cameras are really working, such people ought to be caught and given some query for wastage. Or better still deduct the cost of the wasted slip from their account.
#1 The bank alien
If you’ve never seen these set of people before, then lets say probably, you don’t have a Nigerian bank account. These set of folks are guilty of deliberately forgetting dates and stressing people minding their business. We wonder if they are really breathing the same air we inhale because we see no reason why one should forget the present day date like that. They be like; “25th December 2015 abi?.” No it is not 2015, it’s 2045 A.D., Of course, you should know the bank slip don’t come with dates, someone will take up that responsibility. Well, when next you come to the bank, kindly carry your calendar along with you for your private use alone. We hope that is accepted by all.