4 Steps to Controlling Jealousy
Negative emotional experiences that have been experienced on one side of a relationship can affect the development of the relationship.
Attitudes such as feelings of ownership and jealousy, stem from a profound insecurity, usually originating in family relationships during childhood. Miller states that people with this type of behavior in adulthood generally had a troubled childhood and adolescence and probably difficult relationships with parents and close people.
The jealousy is a proper sense of the human being, but becomes a problem from the moment it ceases to be just a sporadic feeling to become an obsession constant.
A relationship should be seen as a way to add positive values to your life. It serves to keep you company and support in various situations throughout life, but can not become a “crutch” to fill emotional needs caused by previous trauma or loss. We must respect the individuality of the other, and understand that there are a set of factors that make a person who he is.
These factors are related to your past, your friendships, experiences you have lived and numerous other details that can not be controlled by the partner.
Let’s face the process of pathological possessiveness and jealousy as a cycle. Low self-esteem and lack of self-esteem make one look lower, uglier, less intelligent, or successful. These feelings of inferiority lead to insecurity in the relationships in which that person engages.
This insecurity concerns mainly the fear of losing the beloved “object” – in this case, the partner. The jealous person comes to believe that he “does not deserve to be loved” and therefore will be exchanged for someone better.
Insecurity in turn generates mistrust: one becomes suspicious of betrayal and sees the facts of the relationship as major problems. The greater the mistrust of an impending “exchange”, the lower the self-esteem – and thus the cycle begins again, going deeper each time.
But what to do to deal with such complex feelings?
1. Take care of self-esteem
The maxim that you first need to love and then be loved by others fits perfectly here. Make a list with your main qualities and paste it somewhere visible – it can be the mirror or the wall in front of the computer, the idea is to see it many times a day to remember what is very good in you.
Everyone has faults, even successful people, beautiful and nice. The trick is to learn to live with them, trying to improve them when possible, but without being martyred for possessing them. Are you crooked? Snorting Is she clumsy? Find your faults and laugh at them, make fun of yourself. Nothing beats good humor – and its long-term effects are wonderful for self-esteem.
Men also love high-spirited women. Instead of sulking because a beautiful woman passed and her boyfriend looked out of the corner, make a humorous comment about what happened. He will start to admire you more and the quality of the relationship will rise, without these silly and unnecessary discussions.
It must be made clear: human beings look at what attracts attention. You look, your friends look, the bakery uncle looks, even your father looks. Why, then, would it be different with your boyfriend?
There is nothing extraordinary about admiring what is obviously beautiful, do not want to require your partner to be indifferent to other women. Be more interested in respect itself. We are not saying that you should or should not forgive concrete betrayals, because this is a personal matter.
But do not make a scandal because he looked at a butt, or because he said he thinks Megan Fox is a cat. Learn to differentiate what is lacking in respect and what is simply a human condition.
3. Control yourself
If it happens – it will happen – note that a situation is not a lack of respect but still feel the urge to start a discussion, count to a thousand – or ten thousand. Sing a song mentally, scratch your fingernails, read a book, anything. Exercise self-control is the key
It is difficult but over time you will notice that you are becoming a quieter and less anxious person, which is benefit to the loved one and especially to your own health.
4. Seek professional help
If even after trying the previous steps, you realize that you have not been able to move forward, it is always valid to seek the help of a good therapist. Some traumas and shortcomings are so stigmatized in the mind that it is difficult to get rid of them alone.
A psychologist or psychotherapist can help you better see the causes of your insecurity and find the best way to deal with it.
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